Who Knew?
by xlizardbreath
Summary: Songfic. What if Jacob had not recovered from his injuries with the newborn vampires and had in fact died? How would Bella have taken his death?


**A/N:** This will be first person. Bella's thoughts. This fic takes place in Eclipse right after they fight the newborn vampires and Jake gets pretty badly hurt. I realize this is kind of unlikely, but just go with it for the sake of the fic. I thought it would be interesting and I loved writing it.

_Song Lyrics_

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT own any of the characters portrayed in the songfic. All are creations of Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

Jacob Black. My own personal sun. The light in my darkest of days when most of the time I would've been happy free-falling from five-thousand feet in the air if it gave me the chance to see Edward. Yes, I loved Edward that much. He was my world, but when he left in his wake a gaping hole had been torn out of me and Jake had tried to fill that hole. More or less he'd been able to block it out by his blinding rays of sunshine. He'd given me the courage to smile again when I thought it was next to impossible.

When I was hurling myself off cliffs. Jacob seemed to always be there when I was in big trouble. He and the La Push pack even volunteered to fight those horrid newborn vampire for my safety. When he left the tent where I was staying with Edward he laughed saying it would be fun.

_You took my hand  
You showed me how  
You promised me you'd be around  
Uh huh  
That's right_

Whenever I was with Jacob Black I always felt like I was being warmed up. And not just because of his crazy high body temperature. There was something about his personality. Though he was horrendously and darkly sarcastic when he wanted to be I always felt a reassurance that he'd be okay every time I hurt him.

This time he'd told me nothing would go wrong and that if he or anyone in the pack got injured they would be able to handle it. That most of them were pretty stoked to be fighting those "bloodsuckers". Even when he was being judgmental Jake made me smile. He just knew the words to say to make someone believe him and feel assured by him. He told me he loved me…countless times and I knew he wasn't lying, but thinking about it now it just stings. His voice hollow and echoing almost like it will soon be lost.

_I took your words  
And I believed  
In everything  
You said to me  
Yeah huh  
That's right_

It just didn't seem fair. I couldn't seem to wrap my brain around the idea or closer to the truth I simply refused to. How could I? Jacob simply could not be dead. It would never happen. He was my sun. My rock. I needed him. He was the strength in my weakness when I felt so alone.

I felt that hole being to open again. When I'd found Edward again I thought that the hole would forever be closed and I'd never feel that pain again, but something inside me stirred. I could feel the dull ache etching around that all too familiar gap. I curled into myself, wrapping my arms around my waist and sobbed like I never had since I'd lost Edward. Within seconds I found cool strong arms lacing around over my own and a gentle whisper in my ear. "There was nothing more Carlisle could do. But he's in a better place Bella. He's in a better place. He'd want you to be happy. He wouldn't want you to be like this." And I knew Edward didn't want to see me like that either. It pained him I knew. But I couldn't help it. I didn't even want to hear those words from him. I knew Jacob wasn't dead. He just couldn't be. We were meant to know each other forever. He'd always said that our lives were intertwined. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

_If someone said three years from now  
You'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out  
Cause they're all wrong  
I know better  
'Cause you said forever  
And ever  
Who knew_

I tried to push Edward out of the way. As much as I loved him I just couldn't be near him at the moment. It was all too much to bear. No one would let me see Jake. They were all just hanging about in that too tiny house with sad faces. I hadn't even seen his father the entire day. He was probably in there with him, but why couldn't I go? I needed to see him. I didn't even get to say goodbye to Jacob. My best friend. My very best friend. He was the closest thing I had to a brother. Even closer because on some level I knew I'd loved him and if things had been different I would've ended up with him. Images flashed through my mind. Suddenly I was thinking what it would have been like if things had been different and I broke down on the floor. Why hadn't I made him stay with me?

If only I could just see his face smiling at me one more time. The memory from the last time I saw that face was beginning to slowly fade and it had only been days since I'd last seen him. Living. Breathing. Smiling. The sobs now racked my body and I couldn't feel or hear anything else, but myself. Everyone and everything around me fazed out and all I became aware of was the sound coming out of my mouth and idea of Jake's now cold skin. The skin that was once blazing hot. Why hadn't I taken advantage of it in the tent when he was holding me away from the cold? Everything I did and didn't do seemed that much worse with the ever-growing weight of my acceptance of Jacob's death.

_Remember when we were such fools  
And so convinced and just too cool  
Oh no  
No no  
I wish I could touch you again  
I wish I could still call you a friend  
I'd give anything_

As I kneeled on the floor outside Jacob's home bawling my eyes out and having Edward and Alice hover around me I recalled a moment when my father told me that maybe I should date Jacob. At least that's what I thought he was implying, but at the time I found it illogical. It just wouldn't work. Now…and though I felt horrible for thinking this because I had Edward I wished I had had a chance to see what it was like. Just to give him a shot.

I think I have always been taking advantage of the people around me. I'd always figured Jacob would be around because he told me he would. "I'll be waiting in the wings," he once said to me and again I was brought to the breaking point my whole body shaking with my weeping. Just remembering his voice was too much, but I hoped it would never fade. I wanted to always be able to evoke that husky sometimes boyish voice from my memories. I never knew I'd loved it so much until I realized I'd never get to hear it again.

_When someone said count your blessings now  
For they're long gone  
I guess I just didn't know how  
I was all wrong  
They knew better  
Still you said forever  
And ever  
Who knew_

I felt a small hand tap my shoulder, but couldn't bring myself to look up and see who it was. I knew it was Alice and knew she would understand. I just couldn't move from that spot despite the chill from the wind was probably ripping at my body. It was like I had been glued there. I couldn't feel anything. The cold meant nothing to me. The tears that stung my cheeks were non-existent. All I could think about was Jacob Black and his sunny, sunny face. I didn't want to remember the Jacob that was cold and distant. That wasn't even really Jacob anyway.

Because of his death I didn't want anything else to make me forget about my friend Jake. I tried to gather every single memory I had of him and place them all collectively together. I remembered a wish he'd made and for one reason or another the tears stopped dribbling down my face long enough for me to hear a soft voice speaking to me. It was Alice. "Bella…" apparently she'd been calling my name. I blinked up at her through tear streaked eyes and her face immediately became more sullen. "They said you can go in and see him…if you're up to it." She said the last part as if she didn't believe I was. I'm sure my face hardened a little and I pushed her arm out of the way, willing myself to get up and make my way toward the door.

_Yeah yeah  
I'll keep you locked in my head  
Until we meet again  
Until we  
Until we meet again  
And I won't forget you my friend  
What happened_

I think one of them tried to stop me. Edward and Alice, but I heard Edward mumble something and their footsteps stopped. I wasn't going to let anyone keep me from seeing him I didn't care how badly he was banged up. Jacob was my best friend. Someone I loved more than anything and I'm sure he would feel the same way if I were in his place. I know that if the same thing had happened he would do anything necessary to at least see me.

Though I was hearing a lot of "It doesn't matter now. It's over. Please just don't worry about him. He's in a better place." Crap like that only made me more miserable. I guess they were just trying to protect me from what was ahead, but still. I knew I just had to see him one way or another.

I pushed past the sad faces and tear stained eyes toward the back room which had belonged to Jacob. The room where he slept night after tireless night. Or at least I had hoped he'd been sleeping. Sometimes he looked so haggard it worried me. I swallowed hard. Though my firm resolve to come and see him, tell him goodbye, had given me the strength to carry on thus far without a single tear I could feel them beginning to well up again. Would I be able to face that lifeless body lying in that room on that bed. That body that was once Jacob Black and I was sure no longer exhibited that same cheerful aura. I swallowed hard once more before pushing at the door. Would I be alone with him? Was Billy going to be in there? Would I be able to face Billy?

_If someone said three years from now  
You'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out  
Cause they're all wrong  
And that last kiss  
I'll cherish  
Until we meet again  
And time makes  
It harder  
I wish I could remember  
But I keep  
Your memory  
You visit me in my sleep  
My darling  
Who knew_

The door swung open and I was faced with an empty room save for one other body. MY eyes instinctively closed tightly as the first of my tears began to trickle down. There he was. My Jacob. Motionless. I was immediately on my knees at his bedside the tears now pooling in my eyes and bubbling up over my lids. I couldn't contain them, but it was the first time I'd seen him since that time in the tent. When he kissed me and I returned the kiss. When I became aware I was also in love with him…but only enough to hurt him.

Once again I was racked with sobs. I buried my face on the blankets that covered the rest of Jake's body. All I needed was his face though. His beautiful face. And suddenly I had the courage to speak through my sobs. "I love you Jake. I love you so, so much. I'll never forget you. You'll always be my personal sun. I love you. I love you. I love." My voice began to give and I knew it was only a matter of time. I'd been crying so hard. But I had told Jake what I wanted to. And then I stood uneasily, but was able to lean over his bedside and pressed my lips against his own. "I'll cherish you always." I whispered to him shakily as I stepped toward the door. Jacob Black knew I loved him. He always would.

_My darling  
My darling  
Who knew  
My darling  
I miss you  
My darling  
Who knew  
Who knew_


End file.
